Invisible

Earlier in November I wrote a blog about my Dad's death. How grief can act in different ways. I also talked about how when the anniversary date came around I was really numb. I didn't cry at all that week-I didn't really feel anything. I was just numb. That is how grief works. There is no rule book or guide book about where you should be on your grief journey and if what you're feeling is wrong or right or normal. Grief takes you on your own individual journeys. Sure, everyone has some similarities while on their grief journey, but no one grieves exactly the same.    Father's Day is bittersweet when you don't get to celebrate with your Dad. The past couple of Father's Days have been bittersweet. I was really sad and missing dad, but I was also so grateful that I had 18 great years and good memories with him. Sometimes getting on social media on that day was a tough pill to swallow but I didn't want my grief to damper that day because Father's Day is...

Sorry I have been so absent lately. I have been a little reluctant to share this blog. I wrote this on Tuesday night and its now Saturday. I hate conflicts more than anything but this needs to be addressed because not only are invisible illnesses misunderstood with the general public they can be just as much misunderstood in a "safe" place such as a doctor's office. I feel like I mean to write so many blogs then something comes up and I "shut down" for a while. I am not going to lie this month has been difficult. My depression got really bad again. Yes, I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that my body needs anxiety medicine and depression medicine. It has made a difference and that's why I take it. I have been on my anxiety medicine for about a little over a month and I can't believe the difference it makes! I know its crazy but with some of my doctors or new doctors I see I get really bad anxiety because I have had 2 bad experiences and it's not som...

Earlier this week it was 2 years ago  when I was in the hospital and I never bounced back from that, 2 years later we are still searching for answers. Instead of talking about the "now" I am going to rewind it back. I miss the girl I was in this picture. The picture was taken in July of 2013 during the fair. I was happy, like truly happy (even though I was pretty serious in the picture ha). Dad was alive and I was only dealing with minor very minor health problems before this. I had just graduated high school and was getting ready to go out in the real world. I look at this picture and miss who I was in this picture. My eyes go right to my legs. I miss being able to walk. I can walk a few steps here and there but not without pain running through my legs. Before, I could take so many steps without even thinking about all the freedom I was lucky enough to have. I didn't have to worry about passing out. I walked and walked. I just crave being able to walk again. A lot o...

These past few weeks I feel like I have been on a hamster wheel. It just keeps going around and around sometimes it slows down or I get distracted and other times it speeds up so fast I feel like I have no control. I never used to think that I had anxiety. I mean we all get nerves here and there and worry about things sometimes. Normally in the past I was able to talk it out with someone or pray and it would pass and I would be on my way. This year I have have been struggling a little bit more with anxiety then a few weeks ago it got really bad.  I am not one to freak out over a new symptom or something because its a part of having a chronic illness there are so many symptoms that pop up. About 2 weeks ago my anxiety got way out of hand. I don't know where it came from or what was all of the sudden making it worse (I haven't switched or changed meds in a long time so I don't think its a side effect but who knows) so which in turn was causing me to get even more anxious beca...

I had to face some of my "giants" in January. One of those big giants was my birthday. Take a trip down memory lane. Do you remember your birthdays in elementary school that were so exciting? It was exciting as a kid to celebrate you and let's be honest, everyone loves opening presents as a kid, and having cake and ice cream! It was the best! Then the birthday parties started and that was just like the coolest thing ever- haha. Then, when you turned 13, it was like a big deal and then the big 16 came and went and 18 came and the exciting 21st birthday. Those were all great celebrations with lots of excitement. As you get "older" sometimes you don't look forward to your birthday as much. I mean, you still look forward to the gatherings and the cake (at least I hope). You sometimes don't like turning another year older, there can be several reasons why all of the sudden birthdays are not filled with the excitement like when we were younger. This birthday f...

Wow I can't believe 2017 is drawing to a close! I wanted to write another blog before the year ends and I meant to write a couple since Thanksgiving and well life got in the way and I was sick. I guess you could call this procrastination at its finest but at least I am finally blogging again. I have missed it more then I thought I would. There are still many things I want to talk about but because today is New Years Eve I thought I would just take some time to reflect on this year and update on a few things.   2017 has definitely been a year for me. It has been very emotionally and physically tiring at times. It has also been rewarding and I have learned a lot. I have lost friends but in that process I gained deeper friendships. I lost a lot of my independence this year due to my illness and doctor orders that I truly can't walk much and have to use the wheelchair. On the flip side of that I have had my eyes opened a lot this year. I appreciate my family and friends SO much mo...

As Thanksgiving quickly approaches I wanted this blog post to focus around what I am thankful for. While I get frustrated at times and I wish things could be different, I do try to find something I am thankful for each day. It normally doesn't take long to think of at least one thing to be thankful for. Four years ago, just a couple weeks after Dad died, we had to face Thanksgiving. It was very difficult but I was thankful I had my Dad for 18 years and that we had a good relationship.    Some of these may sound cheesy or cliché but I am still thankful. I am thankful for my family. My Mom and sister do so much for me and they are so kind and caring. My Mom takes me to all of my appointments and helps me out in so many ways. I am thankful for my extended family who supports and helps out in any way and I can always count on having a good time at any gathering. I am thankful for my co-workers - they support me in many ways and I have made really good friendships at work. I am so...