Invisible

Earlier this week it was 2 years ago  when I was in the hospital and I never bounced back from that, 2 years later we are still searching for answers. Instead of talking about the "now" I am going to rewind it back. I miss the girl I was in this picture. The picture was taken in July of 2013 during the fair. I was happy, like truly happy (even though I was pretty serious in the picture ha). Dad was alive and I was only dealing with minor very minor health problems before this. I had just graduated high school and was getting ready to go out in the real world. I look at this picture and miss who I was in this picture. My eyes go right to my legs. I miss being able to walk. I can walk a few steps here and there but not without pain running through my legs. Before, I could take so many steps without even thinking about all the freedom I was lucky enough to have. I didn't have to worry about passing out. I walked and walked. I just crave being able to walk again. A lot o...

These past few weeks I feel like I have been on a hamster wheel. It just keeps going around and around sometimes it slows down or I get distracted and other times it speeds up so fast I feel like I have no control. I never used to think that I had anxiety. I mean we all get nerves here and there and worry about things sometimes. Normally in the past I was able to talk it out with someone or pray and it would pass and I would be on my way. This year I have have been struggling a little bit more with anxiety then a few weeks ago it got really bad.  I am not one to freak out over a new symptom or something because its a part of having a chronic illness there are so many symptoms that pop up. About 2 weeks ago my anxiety got way out of hand. I don't know where it came from or what was all of the sudden making it worse (I haven't switched or changed meds in a long time so I don't think its a side effect but who knows) so which in turn was causing me to get even more anxious beca...

I had to face some of my "giants" in January. One of those big giants was my birthday. Take a trip down memory lane. Do you remember your birthdays in elementary school that were so exciting? It was exciting as a kid to celebrate you and let's be honest, everyone loves opening presents as a kid, and having cake and ice cream! It was the best! Then the birthday parties started and that was just like the coolest thing ever- haha. Then, when you turned 13, it was like a big deal and then the big 16 came and went and 18 came and the exciting 21st birthday. Those were all great celebrations with lots of excitement. As you get "older" sometimes you don't look forward to your birthday as much. I mean, you still look forward to the gatherings and the cake (at least I hope). You sometimes don't like turning another year older, there can be several reasons why all of the sudden birthdays are not filled with the excitement like when we were younger. This birthday f...

Wow I can't believe 2017 is drawing to a close! I wanted to write another blog before the year ends and I meant to write a couple since Thanksgiving and well life got in the way and I was sick. I guess you could call this procrastination at its finest but at least I am finally blogging again. I have missed it more then I thought I would. There are still many things I want to talk about but because today is New Years Eve I thought I would just take some time to reflect on this year and update on a few things.   2017 has definitely been a year for me. It has been very emotionally and physically tiring at times. It has also been rewarding and I have learned a lot. I have lost friends but in that process I gained deeper friendships. I lost a lot of my independence this year due to my illness and doctor orders that I truly can't walk much and have to use the wheelchair. On the flip side of that I have had my eyes opened a lot this year. I appreciate my family and friends SO much mo...

As Thanksgiving quickly approaches I wanted this blog post to focus around what I am thankful for. While I get frustrated at times and I wish things could be different, I do try to find something I am thankful for each day. It normally doesn't take long to think of at least one thing to be thankful for. Four years ago, just a couple weeks after Dad died, we had to face Thanksgiving. It was very difficult but I was thankful I had my Dad for 18 years and that we had a good relationship.    Some of these may sound cheesy or cliché but I am still thankful. I am thankful for my family. My Mom and sister do so much for me and they are so kind and caring. My Mom takes me to all of my appointments and helps me out in so many ways. I am thankful for my extended family who supports and helps out in any way and I can always count on having a good time at any gathering. I am thankful for my co-workers - they support me in many ways and I have made really good friendships at work. I am so...

I created this blog mainly for just blogging about my chronic illness but I occasionally will blog about the death of my dad. This past week on Wednesday, November 8 marked the anniversary of when Dad passed away. I still am trying to process how it has been 4 years. In some ways it seems like it all happened yesterday, but in other ways it seems like it has been so long since I have heard his voice, or laughed at his joke, or so much more. I had all these preconceived notions of what I would feel like and what the journey of grief would be like right after he died. I can tell you I was 100% wrong- no doubt about it. You often hear of people saying it gets easier with time, the truth is it doesn't get any easier, you just learn how to keep going. You learn to live your new normal without them. Grief doesn't just disappear and only come back on certain days. Many people compare grief to the ocean waves it's constantly there but sometimes its waves are big. There isn't a ...

This month has been a busy one and I was having quite a bit of rough days so I didn't get to blog as much as I wanted to. I think it's been about a month since I last wrote a new post.  I never intended to go that long, I was just having a lot of rough days and didn't feel good enough. So now I can finally write another post! Instead of the typical blogs I thought I would just bring you up to speed as to what's been going on this past month.   At the beginning of October I had a tilt table test done. If you don't know what a tilt table test is it is something doctors use to essentially cause a fainting episode. I have been having issues with getting really dizzy and rapid heart rate upon standing so they check what's going on by doing a tilt table test. It is like a normal hospital bed except it has straps over it to keep you strapped in so you don't fall. You lay down for 10 minutes and your hooked up to an ekg and a blood pressure cuff and they are checki...